Written by Miss B
TW: Eating Disorders and Depression
I’m the oldest and I’ve let you down. I should be sorted by now and successful and I’m not. I shouldn’t need looking after; I shouldn’t need this much attention when there are young members of family that do. I should know better.
But I’m struggling. Again.
Yet again, it’s all become too much and I’ve forgotten why I’m fighting. Lately, it’s become too tiring again and I’ve run out of energy. Again, it’s clouding everything and I can’t distract myself. It’s consuming everything, again, and I just can’t tell myself one more time it won’t be like this forever.
The first time, second, third and even fourth you were there to pick me back up, to share the load and remind me why I was fighting so hard. Because it would get better and it would be worth it. You all were my reserves when my supply was failing. Maybe I’ve drained yours too.
And here we are after months and months of the same conversations, the same vicious cycles and I’m still not cured. It’s still the same, it’s still as intense as it ever was and I still haven’t made it into a front page worthy success story.
But this time I sense your weariness. I sense your detachment and I can feel your own uncertainty. I can hear in your silence that you’ve run out of things to encourage me with- you’re equally as stuck as me.
Why have you retreated when it got too hard? When you stopped being able to understand, why did you stop trying? When you swore blind you’d help me and wouldn’t let me deteriorate, what did that mean? When you promised me my fears wouldn’t come true, is that because you thought they wouldn’t and now that they have you’re equally as shocked as me? When you ran out of ideas, why did you stay quiet? When you weren’t able to make it better, why did you have to stop just being there? When you thought it would go away you assured me tirelessly but, now that it’s still not happened, why have you stopped telling me it will?
I don’t understand it either. I can’t seem to make it better either. I didn’t think I’d deteriorate either, or give in to my fears.
I’m scared too. I’m out of ideas too.
But apparently, according to you, I’m not allowed to stop trying, I’m not allowed to retreat and I’m definitely not allowed to give up.
So why have you?
They’re all trick questions really, because of course, I have no idea what I want you to do. And more than likely, what you did wouldn’t be right anyway. As you point out, no one force feeds me, no one actually asked me at the start of recovery to be anything other than minimally healthy and of course, no one “chooses” to make themselves miserable.
But I’m really stuck and just as you don’t know what to do, I don’t either.
Just please don’t stop reminding me, that there is a point somewhere. Be strong, even if you’re pretending- that’s ok.
More from Miss B can be found at http://www.whatapieceofcake.com
If you feel affected by anything you read in this article and would like to talk to someone about it then you can contact our student wellbeing service at 0113 812 8507 or email them firstname.lastname@example.org.
If you feel that your life is in imminent danger then go to Accident and Emergency at the nearest hospital or contact 999. At the hospital you may have to wait, but you will be able to see a mental health professional who can help.
- Leeds General Infirmary A+ E Department,
Great George Street,
Tel: 0113 2432799
- St James’ Hospital A+E Department,
Tel: 0113 2433144
- Leeds Student Medical Practice,
4 Blenheim Walk,
Tel: 0113 295 4488
Do try to tell someone about how you are feeling. This could be a trusted friend, a family member or someone who is with you now. If no-one is available there are a number of people you can contact who will listen and provide you with immediate support:
- The Samaritans(24hours) – Tel: 116 123 / 0113 2456789
The Samaritans provide 24hr, confidential, emotional support for anyone in crisis.
- Papyrus Hopeline– Tel: UK 0800 068 4141
A confidential helpline service staffed by trained professionals who can give non judgmental support, practical advice and information. Please be aware they are not a 24 hour service: Weekdays: 10am -10pm, Weekends: 2pm – 10pm, Bank Holidays: 2pm- 5pm
- Nightline– Tel:0113 380 1381
Term-time student run listening service 8pm-8am.
- SANEline– Tel: 0300 304 7000
SANEline is a national 7 days a week out of hours telephone helpline offering specialist emotional support and information to anyone affected by mental illness, including family, friends and carers.- Please be aware it is open between 18:00pm -23:00pm each evening.